


(baby, let me be your) panacea

by Chinhi



Category: Thai Actor RPF, พฤติการณ์ที่ตาย | Manner of Death (TV) RPF, อกหักมารักกับผม | Together With Me: The Series (TV) RPF
Genre: Fluff, Gen, M/M, and cuddles, and shameless flirting, but also angst, but also mindless banter, doting, medical AU, talking about adult problems
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 06:06:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30101445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chinhi/pseuds/Chinhi
Summary: max is a paramedic. tul is a physician. they share aspecialfriendship.
Relationships: Max Nattapol Diloknawarit/Tul Pakorn Thanasrivanitchai
Comments: 9
Kudos: 14





	(baby, let me be your) panacea

**Author's Note:**

> max pov. don’t take my medical knowledge at face value (do tell me if you spot mistakes, though, please 🥺). they’re older than irl. heavy-hearted talks about adult problems. it’s purely fictional (the country they live in isn’t even mentioned; it could be anywhere tbh).
> 
> ps. thank you, jaoie, for being my beta; love you and your beautiful mind 💖

“What’s his status?” The ER physician shoots a fleeting look over at Max as soon as he enters the small compartment through the curtains and starts working alongside Foei, Max’s co-worker, and an ER nurse to take off the cables and reconnect them with the stationary devices.

“Male, 67 years old, BP 115 over 80, pulse 74 bpm with a sinus rhythm now,” Max replies routinely as he hangs the IV bag to the pole fixed to the stretcher. “He’s stable. His oxygen saturation is at 97% with 10l over mask. He was at 83% upon arrival and had a heavy dyspnoea, showing signs of cyanosis. Also, his heart was beating arrhythmically at 155 bpm and his BP was at 90 over 55. He’s been diagnosed with sustained VT after fainting twice in the past four months but his wife said he’s refused getting an ICD and doesn’t even want to take any drugs.” Max can see the physician pressing his lips into a thin line of disapproval while his brows furrow dismissively and he has to bite back a comment about how he hopes the patient regains enough of his consciousness to see this young doctor getting wrinkles over his stubbornness. He really hopes that this man develops at least the slightest bit of remorse over making not only his family worry but also this pure-hearted soul of an ER physician. “We decided to cardiovert since his condition became more aggravated by the second and gave him amiodarone and midazolam before conducting the cardioversion with 100 Joules to which he responded well immediately and maintained a sinus rhythm since. There were no problems during transportation. His wife will bring along the medical report of his last stay in hospital three months ago where he was also diagnosed.”

“Alright, thank you,” the physician acknowledges with a curt nod while pulling a penlight from his scrubs’ pocket and leaning over the patient in order to check his pupils. “Both pupils are responsive and isocore. Please call cardiology and check with them for a bed.”

Max doesn’t really listen anymore at this point as the physician instructs the nurse and then turns to the computer right next to the stretcher to start typing away. Meanwhile, Max and Foei disentangle their equipment from the hospital’s. The nurse leaves to make the call to cardiology and Max is about to leave the compartment as well in order to put their oxygen bag on their gurney and go back to their car. “Hey, Maxi. See you in ten for coffee?” His hand stops midair to pulling the curtain away and in his peripheral vision he can see how Foei shoots him a knowing look. “I‘m leaving first,” his co-worker informs, not able to hide his thoughts as he scrunches his nose the slightest bit and is gone the next second. “Wait, Foei, take the oxygen ba– ahhh, whatever.” Max huffs in irritation as he turns his head away from the curtain and catches the doctor grinning at the screen, exposing his attentiveness even while typing. “He still thinks having a coffee break with you is code for having a quickie, you know. It’s somewhat exhausting. I’m _this_ close to just agree the next time he asks whether we’re in a steamy medical professionals affair. He doesn’t want to believe otherwise, anyway.”

“His scandalized face is hilarious, though,” the other quips, amused, with a shrug and yeah, Max agrees a hundred percent. It must have been almost a year now that Foei and him have been assigned to the same shift and therefore almost always work together. And poor him; during his first shift with Max he had already had the pleasure of being introduced to _Maxtul_ – that’s what his previous partner had called his unconventional friendship with the ER physician. _Unconventional_ for many reasons. One of which is why he now says in a flirty tone, “well, _doctor_ , what was that about an appointment? In ten? Do you really think that’ll work out?” He spares a look at the still knocked out patient on the stretcher.

“I’ll ask someone to cover for me. Haven’t had a break since six thirty. I think, I deserve one. I’m almost done typing here and once things are settled with cardiology he’ll be transferred there. Not like we can do much. You know how it goes.” At that, Max hums. Tul is kind of hot when he talks this earnestly, he thinks and watches how the other absentmindedly shoves his glasses back up his nose with the back of his hand. He belatedly realizes how blatant his stare is when Tul stops to look back. For a second, the older seems confused, then a lopsided grin sneaks on his lips. “Maybe you need to update your phone gallery with a picture of me so you can stare at that instead,” he suggests with a cheeky wink before turning back and Max doesn’t waste any time to answer, “actually, I’ve been thinking, you’d look great on the cover of a physician’s version of the firefighters calendar.” Tul snorts and casts him an amused look. “Why don’t you just say you want _that_ kind of picture of me? I’d drop my clothes for you anytime, baby.”

“Ah, yes, because even though you’re hot enough to stop my heart you’re also skilled enough to restart it.” He clicks his tongue and wags his eyebrows suggestively and Tul is about to retort something but, of course, the ER nurse pulls back the curtain at exactly that moment with a forced cough and by the expression on her face, Max _knows_ she’s overheard at least the last part of their conversation. He chuckles, says his goodbyes and is out of there faster than anyone can say, _chest compressions_.

Back at the ambulance car Foei is busy disinfecting their gurney and Max nods at him when their eyes meet. He checks the pressure on the oxygen tank, refills the bag with a mask and then pulls out the jump bag to wipe down and refill everything they used up earlier. “Are we having our lunch break here?” Foei disrupts the silence between them and walks over to the trash can to dispose of the used wipes. “Hm, nah. Just gonna have coffee for 5 or 10 minutes. That is, if you don’t mind?” Foei shakes his head no. “I’ll call and tell them we’re on standby,” he offers instead and Max gives him thankful puppy eyes. “Thank you, love you. Got my pager, see you in fifteen.”

“Save your love for the doc,” he can hear his co-worker sigh as he walks off with a spring in his step towards the small coffee shop located right next to the hospital entrance. He orders two cups of black coffee and, upon remembering Tul saying he hasn’t had a break in over 5 hours, orders the healthy version of a brownie. The coffee comes in reusable cups, mind you, because hanging out with Tul he’s noticed him caring about these things. It’s not like the latter ever forced him to be considerate of his preferences, it’s just something that has come naturally.

The second Max steps out of the dim shop, he momentarily has to stop to squint his eyes against the brightness of the sun before he proceeds to walk to _their_ bench. His ass has barely touched the wood when he spots Tul’s distinct face and figure appear behind the glass doors of the entrance and he doesn’t even have to wave because he can see in the way the other’s expression lights up that he has spotted him, too. Isn’t it supposed to be a reflex of sorts to avoid eye contact until you’re literally in front of each other because everything else is weird and awkward?

Well, it kind of isn’t that way with Tul. Never has been, for some reason Max isn’t even sure how to formulate. His former co-worker called them _shameless_ and, in a way, yes, they are. For neither of them has it ever been a problem to admit to what kind of physicalities they need from each other; although it did turn into a silent understanding almost immediately. Max is a super touchy-feely person with his other close friends, too; he likes hugs, shoulder squeezes and showing his affection through his undivided attention, it’s just on another level with Tul. He knows himself that the shit he sometimes spills is beyond what most people can handle (and, let’s face it, he doesn’t even get shy because that’s just his personality). Yet, around the doctor he doesn’t need to worry about overstepping boundaries of personal comfort zones because they’re pretty much on the same page. They just vibe with each other like Max has never experienced before. And they make people uncomfortable left and right and not always on purpose – they just forget about other people’s comfort zones. It can get awkward then, especially in the hospital if there’s someone new in the ER who doesn’t know about their _unconventional_ friendship. Although they do try to maintain a low profile at work because they’re professionals after all and take their jobs seriously. (Except when they’re basically alone, heavily sedated patients excluded. But then again, because it’s kind of disrespectful, they don’t go there often.)

“Excuse me. Do you by any chance work here?” Tul greets him now, eyes sparkling in mischief as he comes to a halt in front of Max. The latter leans back a little to be able to hold their eye contact. “Why, no. I wish I did, though. These scrubs are pretty damn sexy,” Max grins and motions for the other to sit down beside him. “And most likely way more comfy than my stiff-ass work pants. Or do you have to live in fear of squashing your balls in a crease when sitting down?”

“I must be blessed for I have never experience such horror. At least not in my scrubs,” Tul chuckles in response and accepts the cup of coffee and the brown paper bag containing the brownie once he’s sat down comfortably next to the other. “What’s this?” he inquires curiously but Max doesn’t even bother to reply since he’s already opening the bag to take a peek inside. “Aw, that’s so sweet of you. Thank you, Max. I’ll save it as dessert for after lunch.” He momentarily loops his arms around the other’s frame to hug him tightly and Max feels how his cheeks almost start hurting from how widely he’s smiling before Tul lets go and rolls the paper bag up again. “But didn’t you say you haven’t eaten since this morning?” Max wonders and takes a sip of his coffee.

“Nah, just that I haven’t really had a break. I did have proper breakfast and also a banana in between, so I’m fine. Thank you for worrying, though. I appreciate it.” The physician’s hand lands on Max’s thigh to squeeze it in emphasis of his words and just stays there as he shoots him a genuine smile to which Max replies with a contemplative hum. After that, they sip from their respective coffee cups for a few quiet seconds, just enjoying each other’s company.

“I have a date on Friday,” Tul then breaks the silence and Max turns to him in surprise over the sudden statement before excitement takes over. “Really? Tell me, tell me!”

“A year older than me, lawyer, veeeery good-looking. Interested in politics and social issues. Somewhat bookish, a little nerdy I’d say but that just seems charming. I’m super excited about what kind of discussions we’ll have, to be honest,” he recounts with a giddy smile and Max lifts an eyebrow at what he’s just said. “I mean… that does sound a little like you’re dating another version of yourself. Just that this one decided to become a lawyer,” he then notes pensively and takes another sip of his coffee. “You think so? I mean, I’m not narcissistic but I do like myself. Is it weird?”

“Well, I like you, too. So, I guess, that’s not too weird.” Max sticks his tongue out at the other when he swats at his thigh and shakes his head. “I was being serious, though. I told you… I don’t do dates just for fun.”

“I know, I know. You’ve broken my heart with that single sentence before, bro,” Max whines and leans into Tul, grabbing at his arm. That happened two years ago; a few weeks after they had first met, back when there was still a weird unresolved tension between them. They had run into each other at the coffee shop at the hospital and sat down on the very same bench they’re sitting on right now, just chit-chatting about this and that because even though there was this weird tension, they could already talk comfortably with each other. If Max thinks about it, nothing has changed in this respect. They had already been on _that_ level of comfort after only a few weeks. “This is like a date. Maybe we should do dates more often?” Max had asked rather jokingly after a while (and also, this was him being single and needy for attention) and Tul hat looked at him very sternly before answering, “I will _‘date’_ you,” yes, _‘date’_ with air quotes, “but I will not date you because I don’t do that for fun.”

“Aw, that just hurts. How do you know I’m not being serious here? You know, dating me has got many perks. I can buy you coffee and pick you up from work and massage your legs and rub your back for you in the shower and take you out for dinner and I’d even hold the door for you. I’m very polite, you know? In fact, I can show you exactly how _polite_ I am.” And he had fleetingly glanced down at Tul’s crotch to make his insinuation clear. Yes, ninety percent of what he had just blabbed was clearly bullshit including his offer for a blowjob – Tul’s reaction would either make or break their future relationship.

The physician’s first reaction was to snort incredulously but judging by his expression he took it exactly the way Max had wanted him to. “Many perks indeed. Don’t tell me you also got a six pack? I’d count that as a valid argument and maybe reconsider.” It might or might not have ended with Max pulling his work shirt up to reveal his abs and Tul actually touching them in appreciation. Since that moment the ice had been broken and _Maxtul_ was born.

The ringtone of Tul’s telephone interrupts Max’s short reverie and while the doctor answers he just casually stays in his position, leaning against him while sipping on his coffee. When the other tenses up after a moment, Max pulls away a little. “Hold on for a second, I will check with the trauma center,” he says in a calm manner although his face reads stress and the younger knows exactly what that means. Tul hands the other his coffee mug and pulls another phone from his pocket, and as he dials he stands up. He shots him an apologetic look and Max shrugs his shoulders, before giving him a reassuring smile and a vague (because his hands are full) _I’ll text you_ motion. “Yes, please prepare the trauma center for a polytrauma right away, if possible… alright, yes. I’ll get back to you in a sec… Yes, hello? How long until your arrival…” Max follows the ER doctor’s broad back with his eyes until his voice fades away and his frame eventually vanishes behind the glass doors.

* * *

“What weekday is it, anyway?”

Foei shoots him A Look from behind the steering wheel. “Monday.”

Max sighs over-dramatically. Working shifts will forever be fucking with his head and sense of time.

* * *

Tul😏🫀[01:13AM]

[file sent]

forgot to send you my roster for next month

You [01:15AM]

thanks 🙏

u slacking off in the er rn? 👀

Tul😏🫀 [01:15AM]

no

stop

don’t say another word

i swear if you jinx it a coffee won’t fix a damn thing

[picture sent]

In spite of himself, Max smiles fondly at the close-up selfie of Tul with his cheek flat on a tabletop. He’s got his eyes closed with a pout, a hideous green cup, a keyboard and his glasses next to him.

You [01:16AM]

awww my poor baby

i wanna pinch ur cheeks 🤓

24h today too?

Tul😏🫀[01:16AM]

max

why do i always bother with sending you my roster if you won’t look at it anyway

but thankfully no

just night shift

At that, Max chuckles and opens his camera to take a selfie as well. He gives his most endearing, apologetic smile, puppy eyes and all, and hits the shutter release button. After checking he sends it with a satisfied nod.

You [01:17AM]

[picture sent]

there, i’m sorry

please forgive me? 🥺🥺🥺

Tul😏🫀 [01:17AM]

🤔

go to bed, you look tired

sleep is important

if reports didn’t exist i wouldn’t sit here either

You [01:17AM]

but tomorrow is my free day

also what would u do if u didn’t have me for entertainment?

🥰🥰 i’m doing u a service 🥰🥰

You [01:18AM]

never gonna give u up

never gonna let u down

never gonna run around and

deseeert uuuu 👈🏼👈🏼👀

wait

…isn’t ur date tomorrow? 🤔😏

or rather today 👀

Tul😏🫀 [01:19AM]

yeah

but gotta go ttyl

your ass jinxed it

😒

You [01:19AM]

oops 👀

do u accept breakfast as an apology?

just drop by after your shift if u do

ttyl 💖💫

Max doesn’t get an answer but he didn’t really expect one either way. Once there’s work during a night shift there’s no telling how long until you can go back to bed – or, in Tul’s case, writing reports and then maybe to bed.

Taking the other’s suggestion to heart, Max does get up from his very comfortable couch to go brush his teeth and get ready for bed. It’s not like he was being productive, anyway. After all, he’s already worked a twelve hour shift over day and afterwards, he rarely does anything productive aside from hitting the gym. Which he did earlier this evening. Although staying fit has never really been too hard for Max since he just loves sport, he decided to take it up a notch about four years ago, just after he had become a paramedic. For about eight months, he had even engaged a personal trainer to kick his butt and help him achieve his goals faster and the right way. It was a little of an up and down afterwards until he had found the path that worked best for him. It was totally worth it, though; he found out so much about himself and his body and also, eventually, a routine. Not that he was ripped all year (because _food_ ) but for summer he usually trained a little harder and paid more attention to a strict nutrition.

Out of habit, Max unlocks his phone one last time as soon as he’s snuggled into his blanket. Tul still hasn’t answered and the clock reads quarter to two. Sighing quietly, he locks the screen again to put it on his nightstand and silently hopes that the other’s night won’t be too much of a bummer.

* * *

Tul😏🫀[02:33AM]

thanks

might consider

we’ll see how the night goes

* * *

The first thing Max does after turning off his alarm is checking his texts before taking a selfie with a cute _good morning_ filter in order to send Tul. Even though he’s only slept six hours and just woken up he thinks he looks quite decent already. But then again, maybe that’s the filter smoothing over his tired features. That’s something he doesn’t really want to find out first thing in the morning.

You [07:55AM]

[picture sent]

getting up now to make my favorite person breakfast 💖

He immediately pushes the blanket off and sits up. The things he does for this man… usually, he’d spent a good chunk of his way to getting _properly_ awake scrolling through instagram. Or youtube. Or, _yes_ , sometimes with his hand around his dick, don’t judge. So, he has got no idea how people like Tul even exist; those who get up right away and don’t even unnecessarily lounge in bed. Like, _how?_

Still more asleep than awake, he waddles first towards his kitchen to turn on the coffee machine and then towards his bathroom to take a quick shower so as to dispel the dull heaviness from his body.

Tul😏🫀[07:57AM]

night was shit

gotta catch some 💤

i’ll text you

or not

still 🤏🏼 mad at you

You [08:04AM]

☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

but

but

but

tullie :(

coffee is almost done

Tul😏🫀[08:05AM]

[text quote _i swear if you jinx it a coffee won’t fix a damn thing_ ]

.

[text quote _still_ _🤏🏼_ _mad at you_ ]

.

and

[text quote _gotta catch some_ 💤 ]

.

You [08:05AM]

sleep here? 🥺

bed’s still warm for u 💘

There is no immediate answer, so Max goes to make himself a coffee. The possibility of Tul coming over now is basically zero, he knows from experience. And sure enough, a few minutes after he sat down to sip his coffee and scroll through his newspaper app, he gets a new message from the physician.

Tul😏🫀[08:22AM]

omw home

i’m sorry bro

but i’m really tired

You [08:23AM]

no bro

i should be sorry 😔

is ok

rest well 💞

!!!!don’t forget to tell me about ur date

Tul😏🫀[08:39AM]

will do

☺️☺️

* * *

The day eventually turns out to be a lot more productive than Max initially anticipated. After getting stood up by Tul, more or less, he busies himself with organizing various documents and worksheets. He also reads up on a few medical topics that have recently drawn his interest. Actually, he tries to refresh his memory on how to help deliver a baby because that’s one of his worst nightmares. Although he’s heard from his colleagues that it’s not as bad as some want to make you believe it’s definitely far up on the list of incidents that will reduce his lifespan due to stress.

When Max can’t concentrate anymore he resorts to a long overdue clean-up of his apartment, turning the music on full blast while dancing more than actually cleaning. He sends Tul a few voice messages of him singing badly off-key on purpose, hoping to make the other smile the moment he wakes up.

The level of self-satisfaction only rises further when Max can mentally check off _laundry_ and _grocery_ _shopping_ as well, effectively clearing the path to a guilt-free Saturday of doing literally zilch. Well, until he has to head off for another night shift but he wills himself not to think any further about his work. The only thing left on his to-do list is going to the gym. The moment he decides to get ready, however, one of his friends calls and invites him to hang out with a few other friends for after-work dinner at their usual restaurant. To be honest, Max sometimes forgets he also has a circle of friends that actually works a job with normal hours; mostly people he’s known since school or got to know during his short time being enrolled at university. He’s quick to agree because lately, he hasn‘t really had the time to meet up with them and also, the only thing he ate during the day were instant ramen and he doesn’t particularly feel proud of indulging in his non-existent drive to cook.

In between taking a shower for the second time that day and choosing an outfit he checks his phone to find that Tul has left him on seen.

You [05:31PM]

i put all my heart into serenading u and u just leave me hanging

😔😔😔

i am appalled

devastated

deeply disappointed 💔

Max ends up just choosing whatever he first lays his eyes upon once he opens the wardrobe, color the only thing he pays attention to. As he’s pulling an oversized white long sleeved top over his head he hears the faint vibration of his phone.

Tul😏🫀[05:37PM]

[voice message 00:42min]

_“Maxiiii,”_ Tul drawls with an amused lilt in his voice and Max can hear water running loud and clear in the background. The thought of the other standing in the shower while recording this message instantly puts a wide grin on his face. _“I’m sorry. I’m currently showering. I literally just woke up and the first thing I did was listen to your beautiful voice,”_ he chuckles breathily, “ _so, thank you for that. It woke me up immediately. Might switch my ringtone. Did you have a god day? Surely sounded like it. Do you have anything planned on your free evening? Either way, I’ll need your opinion in a bit when I’ve put on my outfit.”_ There’s a short pause in which Tul hums contemplatively. _“Actually, you know me, I’m just fishing for compliments, so please don’t let me down. Thanks, bro.”_

You [05:38PM]

send nudes and we’ll see about that 😏😏

jkjkjkjk 💖💖💖💖

pls don’t

You [05:39PM]

you’d have to come here and give me cpr

although……….. 😏😏😏😏😏

in any case !!!!do send the outfit!!!!

On his way out, Max grabs his black shoulder bag and stows his wallet as well as, after locking his door, his keys away. He then remembers he forgot to answer to Tul’s other questions.

You [05:48PM]

yeah day was good

just headed out

meeting n and the others for dinner! 😌

ima spam u with food pics

🍥🍤🦪🥠🍣🍙🍚🍱🍘🍝🫔🥟🥗🍖🍕🍟🫓🥙🥩🌭🧀🍗🍖

where’s ur date btw?

During the fifteen-minute car drive his phone vibrates a few times but he only checks it when he’s pulled into a parking lot close to his destination, and killed the engine.

Tul😏🫀[05:53PM]

will you be topless when i come to your rescue?

anything to touch your nipples 🙏🏼

tell them i said hi! and have lots of fun!

also… please don’t… i have too many of your food pics already 😒

Tul😏🫀[05:54PM]

the french restaurant by the marina

and no this is not an excuse for you to make me take you there

even for me a little too 💸

Tul😏🫀[06:03PM]

[picture sent]

[picture sent]

just need to fix my hair

Tul definitely is an eyecatcher in those tight fitted dark gray trousers and the white shirt, tucked in and just enough unbuttoned to reveal a teasing notion of his well-defined chest. Even in this outfit it becomes apparent how accurate he is in every detail; if the rings on his fingers, the expensive-looking watch on his wrist and the silver necklace to top it all off are any indication. None of it looks too much, it fits perfectly. Even the floppy hair doesn’t derogate from the fact that he looks a million bucks. He always does when he dresses up if only the slightest bit.

As a matter of fact, Tul looks damn fine in his scrubs, too. Especially his ass. Max never lies when he puts it like that despite the flirting itself being of a joking nature. It’s crazy, though. He can’t quite wrap his mind around how that man doesn’t have people lining up to date him. But then again, working a medical profession you’ll mostly meet patients and coworkers, and Max knows Tul has got absolutely no interest in short-lived relationships either. And also, never fuck the company – it only complicates things. Max knows too well. So, this is a memo to himself. He cringes at the memories and quickly evades them.

You [06:05PM]

look at u

looking like a snack 😏

more delicious than the food at that fancyass restaurant i bet 😏😏

well just take me for thai food then 😗💘 i’m no picky boi after all

except for when it comes to picking you ofc 💖

yep will tell them!

what’s ur deal with my nipples tho….. 🙄😂

You [06:06PM]

anyways ttyl have fun bro 💖💖

already killing it with that unbuttoned shirt 🥵

Since Tul comes online the second Max wants to put his phone away, he waits for his response. Sure enough, the bubble with the three dots appears a moment later.

Tul😏🫀[06:06PM]

they’re sexy is my deal

no picky boy my ass 😒

but you do know i will take my babiboy anywhere 😉

except the french restaurant

Thank you though 🧡 ttyl

☺️

You [06:07PM]

take me to france then 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 pretty please

Tul😏🫀[06:07PM]

only if you do the french speaking

You [06:07PM]

bonjour

voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

Tul😏🫀[06:07PM]

leave it to you to know that single sentence in perfect grammar 😅

You [06:08PM]

i don’t do mediocre 😏😏😏

was it enough to woo tul pakorn tho?

Tul😏🫀[06:08PM]

you had me at ‘send nudes’ to be honest

You [06:08PM]

💘

ttyl tho for real

Tul😏🫀[06:08PM]

yeah

ttyl

☺️

* * *

A deep sigh leaves Max’s lips the moment he lets himself fall onto his couch, immediately feeling how the soft upholstery comfortably accommodates his heavy limbs. The time on his lock screen reads barely quarter past nine in the evening when he checks his phone for new messages by force of habit. Yet, he is so tired he almost passes out right on the spot. If he thinks about it, his fatigue shouldn’t surprise him; working more than sixty stressful hours over the course of six days without too much sleep and then sleeping only for six hours on his day off would wear anyone out. And, yeah, maybe it wasn’t his brightest idea to stay with his friends once they started ordering several rounds of alcohol after dinner. Although he did take it easy and only sipped on two beers all evening, leaving the second one almost entirely untouched.

All sprawled out on the couch, he regrets not getting ready for bed when he was still on his two feet because he can’t bring himself to get up now even if his life depended on it. So, when he suddenly startles back into reality to the rude ringing of his doorbell he has no idea when exactly he dozed off nor what time it is. It takes a moment of disorientation before he eventually picks himself up and goes to answer the door.

“Yes?” he croaks out, voice thick with sleep, but before the other person can reply he recognizes Tul as the figure on the low-quality display of his intercom. In spite of himself, his lips immediately draw into a rather sleepy smile. “Ah, bro, hold on. I’ll buzz you in.”

“Thank you.”

After leaving the door ajar for the other, he groggily scuffles into his bathroom to wash his face and rinse his mouth. The stale, garlicky taste on his tongue and the fuzzy feeling on his teeth don’t vanish, though, so Max reaches for his toothbrush.

“Sorry for intruding,” he hears Tul apologize from the hallway as the front door softly clicks shut. He hums in response and, upon hearing shuffling from behind, lifts his eyes to meet Tul’s in the mirror a moment later. The doctor looks exhausted, even through his tender smile that tugs at the corners of his lips the moment Max greets him with an acknowledging nod. “Were you just about to go to sleep?” Another nod and the other leans against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest. Max feels the older’s eyes trained on him even when he averts his own to spit foam into the sink before continuing to brush his tongue. “Sorry that I didn’t wait for your reply before showing up like this. To be honest, I just didn’t feel like going home at all.” Max doesn’t answer as he bends over to spit out the rest of the toothpaste and then quickly rinses his mouth.

“You’re always welcome here, bro,” he eventually says, putting the toothbrush away, and turns to face Tul. “I passed out on the couch and didn’t even check my messages. You would have waited for a reply forever.” At that, the other starts grinning mischievously. “Ah, that’s why you look like that.”

“What do you mean?” Max turns back to the mirror and takes a closer look. “Pillow face,” Tul clarifies, amused, and indeed; now that he pays attention to it he can actually make out the faint lines on his cheek, left behind by the throw pillow he slept on. “Ugh. What time is it anyway?”

“About half past ten.”

He sighs, running a hand through his hair, and they both wordlessly leave the bathroom. Tul heads towards the bedroom to most likely swap his clothes for a pair of Max’s sweats and a top, and Max walks towards the kitchen to make tea. They don’t need any further communication for that and it’s something Max loves about their friendship. Even though they’ve only known each other for about two years it sometimes feels like they grew up with each other, and even if that were the case they’d still be insanely in sync. He’d be lying if he said he doesn’t understand their co-workers and respective friends rolling their eyes at them. Although in the vast majority of cases apart from work, they just hang out alone and do things spontaneously since their rosters don’t allow too elaborate plans of recreational activities in groups. Still, they don’t get to meet up as often as they’d like to. Therefore, it’s things like these that define their time together.

Sure enough, Tul returns shortly after in a black oversized t-shirt and gray jersey shorts that are actually his own and which he stored in Max’s wardrobe a while ago. Not that the younger minds him having a pair of spare clothes at his place. Not at all. They sometimes sleep at each other’s even when they have to work the next day since Tul’s place is closer to the ambulance station while Max’s is closer to the hospital. It’s an amusing coincidence and in the beginning, Max used it as an excuse to spend more time with Tul. Until the latter addressed the matter head-on. “Look, Maxi,” he chided him, the amused glint in his eyes belying his serious voice. “Stop justifying your coming over. Do you ever see me do that? No. So, stop.”

They settle on the couch, placing their cups on the coffee table, and sitting down into their usual position; each of them in one corner against the backrest, facing each other with their legs partially intertwined. Max then grabs a blanket and throws it over their legs, and Tul sighs in satisfaction as he leans his head back with his eyes closed.

No words are being spoken between them for a while as they share their body heat with each other and Max deeply enjoys the peaceful silence even though he knows Tul didn’t drop by just for that. Not this time. But he won’t pressure him into opening up about what’s on his mind. He watches attentively as the other leans over a few minutes later to grab his cup before their eyes eventually meet again. With his droopy eyelids he looks bone-tired, and Max doesn’t like the way his brow is furrowed. It seems like the world is weighing down on his shoulders and it’s a sight the younger doesn’t see often; so vulnerable.

Max sometimes forgets they’re grown men when they’re together because of how wild and boisterous and _childish_ they can get. On the other hand, they have a lot of serious conversations, too. However, this has a different feeling to it. Right here, right now, Tul looks every bit his age if not even older. Like an _actual_ _adult_ with _actual_ _adult problems_. Problems that aren’t easily solved through just talking and listening.

“I don’t even know why I’m dating,” the doctor quietly speaks at last and takes a nip of his tea. Still, Max doesn’t say anything just steadily meets the other’s eye, patiently waiting for him to continue. “I don’t have the energy to get to know anyone right now. I’m not even sure about my own future, so how can I be considerate towards someone else’s? Besides, you’d think people are more likely to commit to a serious relationship with age, yet…” He drops his gaze to look at the cup in his hand, absent-mindedly thumbing at the rim, leaving the sentence unfinished hanging between them.

A few instants pass in which the insinuation of Tul’s words linger in the air, then Max clears his throat in order to speak. “I mean, you _are_ drop-dead gorgeous and you know I can’t lie to you. I can totally understand that people want to _claim_ you for themselves when they see you,” he starts and these words alone seem to at least partially smoothen out the lines on Tul’s face as he lifts his gaze anew, a brittle smile of amusement on his lips. The other cheekily winks at him before continuing more seriously, “but for real, Tul, if they can’t see that you’ve got an even more gorgeous personality then it’s honestly their damn great loss. And it’s got absolutely nothing to do with being narcissistic that you won’t sell yourself short, by the way. There’s no person out there worth corrupting your moral values for.” It’s not something the physician has ever particularly voiced out loud but Max knows he’s been occasionally struggling with the high bar he’s set for himself, consequently also affecting his ideal of a relationship. It’s certainly no mean feat to live up to those standards.

“Thanks. I needed to hear this,” Tul mumbles into his cup, and even though he sounds sincere it’s not a hundred percent convincing. But then again, Max only has a vague idea of what Tul has been mulling over the past few weeks. The older has never said anything but Max knows him well enough and he decided not to broach the subject since Tul didn’t seem ready. Like he was still trying to grasp it fully himself. And it’ll most likely have a huge impact on his future if his insinuations during their heart-to-hearts are anything to go by. “Anything for the hottest ER doctor with the sexiest personality out there,” he tries to joke through the heavy atmosphere and Tul lightly shakes his head with a snort at that.

“I feel like you keep on forgetting I’m not a doctor, really,” he remarks and Max can’t help being a little smug at how his expression has lost its edge. His eyes are crinkling up along with his genuinely amused smile and the younger doesn’t know the amount of times he’s already wondered how Tul’s eyes can catch all the light in one room, no matter how dimly lit, and reflect it, making them look like little stars. It’s just another item on the list of _Why Tul Pakorn Is Drop-Dead Gorgeous_. “True. In my head you’re the hot ER doctor. Always. Still want you as the model for a calendar now that you’ve offered to drop your clothes for me more than once.”

Max regrets his choice of words when Tul grimaces and his frown returns. “Max, this–“

“Yeah, I know,” he quickly tries to amend, lifting his hands placatingly, “you’re _only,_ ” he air-quotes, “a surgical resident. But you work in the ER a lot. You’re the only resident who’s been assigned with coordination duty and works two telephones.” He can hear the other breathe out noisily. “It’s not that great of a feat. There have been residents doing that before,” he downplays and looks once more like he’s about to break under the weight of whatever is on his mind. Max presses his lips into a thin line as he pushes himself up onto his knees and towards him just enough until he’s able to let himself plop down forwards on top of the other, eliciting a groan. He stays in this weird position for a moment, face buried in the front of Tul’s t-shirt, then straightens back up to gently take Tul’s cup from the latter’s hands and place it back on the coffee table. Facing him again, he sits back down and wriggles into a better position between the other’s legs. Then, taking his hands in his, he tugs him back towards his side of the couch. They awkwardly shift some more until Tul finally gets what Max is trying to do and clumsily climbs into his lap, the younger’s arms unceremoniously wrapping around his frame in order to pull him closer and cradle him to his chest. Max can feel Tul relax into the embrace immediately even though it’s super crowded like that.

Max places a soft kiss on the top of his hair before picking their conversation back up. “You’re more coordinated than some of these _real_ doctors. Take it from someone who knows. There are some real duds amongst them and I gotta deal with them on a daily basis.” Tul’s breath fans against his neck with every exhale and it’s almost too shallow to not be tickling. A few moments pass like that before the physician timidly speaks up, “well, can I be honest?”

“Bro, I’m a little offended to think you’re ever not being honest with me?” Max immediately huffs out, indignantly, but realizes in the same instant that, judging by the way Tul seems to cling to him just the tiniest bit closer, this must be _it_. The thing that’s been grieving him. “It’s not exactly like that,” the physician then breathes against his neck and Max can hear and feel him quietly clear his throat. “I mean, we both know that we basically have no secrets but there’s this one thing I’ve only talked to my sister about.” When he halts, Max comfortingly squeezes him a little tighter. It’s true, though. If they do have _secrets_ , figuratively speaking, then most likely only because the topic hasn’t been brought up yet. “You know, she recently had my niece so we don’t really talk about this kind of stuff anymore and I don’t really want to bother her with my problems.” Tul tenses, seemingly bracing himself for what he’s about to reveal and even though Max can’t see his face he can very well imagine his expression and it has him pull him even further into his chest. So much so that Tul’s next word get a little bit muffled by the fabric of Max’s top. “It’s true. I do work in the ER a little more these days. For one, because they’re short on personnel. But actually, I’ve put off taking the examinations.”

Completely caught off-guard, Max grabs at the other’s shoulders and pushes him back just far enough so he can look him in the eye as he incredulously asks, almost shrieks, “you did what now?” Tul can’t blame him for having such an emotive reaction, he figures, especially since it’s absolutely not meant in a judging fashion. He’s just surprised. And that’s an understatement. Never would he have thought to ever hear Tul say this. Straight-arrow Tul; that one intimidatingly successful friend who achieves all of his goals and never swerves or takes unnecessary detours but seems to always see his projects through to the end.

Now, it’s not like he thinks Tul is absolutely perfect but – okay, yeah, who is he even trying to fool? He low-key still thinks that, but rationally, yes, _rationally_ he’s still a human with flaws and all. And despite the fact that Max was somewhat aware that this whole thing that’s been bothering the other must have been something big, he needs some time to get over the other’s words.

His reaction apparently somewhat lightens up the mood, or at least leaves Tul conflicted about whether to laugh or keep on frowning. The result is a pained smile that in some way still looks sincerely amused. “I did tell you, right? Why it was _this_ hospital I started working at?” Indeed he did, Max nods, his hands now slipping down to instead take a hold of Tul’s hands, intertwining their fingers in between their bodies absent-mindedly. There’s a colorectal surgery ward and, consequently, specialists for colorectal surgery. Tul told him that during his time as a med student he had as an intern watched surgeries of this kind and it had drawn his interest to the point he had decided to become a surgical resident and aim for a fellowship program in order to become a specialist for colorectal surgery. Being one of the brightest residents over the course of the last ten years, he had at some point been given an off-the-record assurance to get into the program if he were to continue to pull his residency through with a consistently outstanding record.

“I honestly thought that was my goal. And I usually get super focused on achieving my goals,” says Tul now, his gaze hazy as he pensively looks down to Max from his perched position on the latter’s lap. _No shit_ , Max thinks dryly but keeps quiet, content with attentively listening. “So, it’s not like I never doubted my path during the first four years of residency, but those doubts were minor and talks with my sister always cleared them.” He sighs deeply and his eyes drop to their hands. “But then last year, I assisted in a few vascular surgeries and it piqued my interest. To a point where reading up on the topic didn’t quench but rather fuel my interest even more. And those doubts I can’t really clear at the moment. So, I talked to my supervisor and he recommended putting off the examinations for the time being. But not too long, since indecisiveness will cost me my spot in the fellowship program. There’s no opportunity for a vascular surgery fellowship around here, though, and I’d have to move to the capital if I decided to go down that path instead.”

He gently pulls one hand out of their hold to run it through his by this point messy hair before pinching the bridge of his nose and scrunching his eyes closed. “You know, if it’s about my family then it’s not farther away than living here, but I’m really old in this regard. I’ve lived here for almost twelve years; it’d be _so_ fucking hard for me to move to another place and basically start from scratch.” He opens his eyes anew to look at Max for a long moment, his hand now idly fumbling at his nape. The way he looks at the younger, with such intensity, has the latter shift a little with unease and just when he’s about to say something, anything to conclude the weird silence, Tul speaks again. “Also, what’s more, I won’t even know for sure if I’d get into the program or, even if I did, whether I’ll just miss the opportunity for an equally great outcome.”

“Oof.” Max really doesn’t know what else to say. His mind feels blank at all the information he’s just been fed. It’s not really what he’s expected – did he even have any expectations? – but it makes sense, somehow. “Exactly,” Tul replies, sighing, to which Max quickly shakes his head. “No, no. I… that’s just… _a_ _lot_ to digest at once.” Because it is. The prospect of Tul potentially leaving to pursue his career shouldn’t have been that far off, but it was. At least for Max. The older isn’t one for fickleness, so him staying at least another two or three years has been a safe bet. Up till now, that is.

“It’s okay. I don’t really expect you to answer since I don’t have an answer myself. It’s just a good feeling to vent. I’ve been keeping this to myself for a while now.” He shifts a bit on Max’s lap, then leans back into the younger to rest his head on his shoulder and the younger, more out of a reflex, wraps his arms back around him, nudging him into a position in which the risk of his balls getting squished is less likely. Now it’s the older’s hair slightly tickling the side of his face but he doesn’t pay much attention to it when Tul audibly takes a deep breath and, as if to ground himself, digs his fingers into Max’s clothes. “Bro, no matter what, you can always vent to me,” Max offers in a soft but firm voice, then groans at the implication. “Like, why do I even have to _say_ this? I mean, I can’t promise that I’ll always be a constructive adviser but you can _always_ bitch about anything on your mind to me, alright?”

Now it’s Tul’s turn to groan as he buries his head into the other’s shoulder. “If you put it like that, I do sound a little bit like an over-privileged brat. I have options others can only dream about and yet–”

“Is not what I’m saying, though,” Max shushes him before he can spill any more non-sense. “Don’t twist my words. Your ass is the hardest-working _dumb_ ass I know,” he specifies, about to elaborate but Tul interrupts him with a snort, “charming.” In return, Max gently and very lightly hits him on the back of his head before fondly ruffling his hair, burying his hand into the soft strands afterwards. “Hear me out for a damn minute, will ya? I didn’t plan on telling you this before I actually got in but oh, well.” Tul moves his head to curiously look up at Max and the latter glances back for a second before carrying on in a serious tone, “seeing you work hard and earn everything in your life through blood, sweat and tears really did a number on me.” He quickly hushes the other when he sees him lifting his eyebrows disapprovingly and opening his mouth in protest, “no, just hear me out! It’s meant in a positive way. You know I dropped out of university. So, I decided to pick my studies back up in this regard, too. In fact, I’m currently organizing myself to take the entry exams in about two months. And I also wanna apply for a scholarship. I wanna get a master’s in business administration. I mean, I’m not all too sure what to do with it exactly afterwards but who knows? Maybe I’ll be a CEO one day?” Max chuckles at that, but Tul just looks at him with a warm smile.

“Either way, being friends with you, I kinda don’t want to lose to you and your crazy intellect,” the younger then admits sheepishly. “I mean, I’m a realistic guy. I know I’ll most likely lose anyway, but you seriously bring out that zealous side of mine I somewhat forgot about after starting to work as a paramedic. So, thank you,” he trails off and looks squarely into Tul’s eyes, trying to convey the sincerity of his words as much as possible, but the way the other looks back has him abruptly forget what he’s just said. “I mean, I guess,” he then unnecessarily adds as a dopey afterthought with the intention of covering up his momentary stupor.

Tul bites down on his lip at that, obviously trying to stifle a laugh, and very unsuccessfully so, too. Max feels dumb immediately. “You guess?” The younger wriggles in his seat, dissatisfied, but still playfully tousling the other’s hair once more. He then let’s out a huff of mock disgruntlement because he just can’t be mad seeing the other’s expression. “Bro, what the hell? I just poured my heart out to you and that’s all you have to say? Wow.”

“I do feel better now, thank you,” Tul finally concedes with a grin after he’s thoroughly squished Max’s left cheek. He then half-sits back up, searching for Max’s eyes, suddenly serious again as he takes the other’s hands back into his. “And also, I’m super proud of you for finally tapping into your potential. It would have been such a waste, really,” he squeezes his hands for good measure, “and I know you can achieve so much more if you’re just willing to go that extra mile. I hope you know I will support you no matter what and if you need me I’ll definitely be there for you. Always.”

“I…” Max is at a loss for words, too overwhelmed by the physician’s words. Right at this moment, he can _feel_ how much the other actually cares for him and he’d be lying if he said he was prepared for it. It’s crazy. Although he did subconsciously know, having it put into words out loud for him to store in his heart is something else entirely. “You know, I feel bad because I don’t really know how to comfort you and help you come to terms with your two minds and yet, here you are – being the ever-awesome supporting big brother.”

Tul unclasps one hand to lift it and put his palm flatly on top of Max’s head. The heaviness of it warmly seeps into the marrow of the younger’s every bone. “No, Max,” Tul negates matter-of-factly, “as I said; just venting alone felt great and I wouldn’t really know whom else to go to. I’m glad that you’re here for me.”

It’s definitely not like Tul doesn’t have friends and it’s also not like Max is his best friend; their relationship is hard to put into words. It’s _special_ , different from anything Max has ever had and probably will ever have with anyone else. Sure, Max has his best friends, another circle of friends and so does Tul. They sometimes do mingle with each other’s friends, too, but not that often since they mostly pass the time they have together alone anyway. So, yes, it’s definitely different from being _besties_. The depth of their emotional closeness has Max refer to them as soulmates rather than anything else. And, for lack of a better description, it’s as if they’re boyfriends, _partners_ , on that level save for the sexual physicalities. Oddly enough, that thought doesn’t even weird him out too much because it’s true. He loves Tul differently than any of his friends and also differently than he does his sister. Accordingly, it’s not peculiar for Tul to seek him out rather than his other friends, concerning such a grave topic. “And I always will be here,” Max therefore affirms, patting the hand that’s still holding onto his with his free one. “Hope that your thick-headed ass won’t ever assume otherwise.”

“Duly noted, thank you,” says Tul with a nod, retracting his hand, and then slumps a little in his position. He sighs lowly. “You’re probably the only person aside from my sister who wouldn’t try to reason with me. This whole decision eventually boils down to heart or head. There’s no reason to be found.”

Max absently plays with the rings on Tul’s fingers while he tries to find a proper response. “I mean,” he then starts, uncertain, “you can always come back… right?” However, it doesn’t seem to have been the right thing to say judging by the way the other’s lips press together into a thin line once more and the frown returns.

“Yeah, well, no. That’s why I said it’s either head or heart. There needs to be the right opportunity and opening. As a specialist, I can’t be too picky about _where_ I want to work. That’s the ultimate gamble. And I hate that I can’t control it.”

And Max hates just as much that he can do absolutely nothing to help him with that either. The upset pout on his face makes the younger feel just as miserable and without another thought, he pulls him back into him. Tul lets him do, snuggles even further into the embrace, burying his face into Max’s neck. “C’mere, lemme give you a bear hug so you I don’t have to see you looking so utterly bummed. It pulls my heart-strings, you know?” the younger murmurs into the other’s hair, then adds quietly, “I’m super weak for your sad face.”

Time seems somewhat to stop as they half sit, half lie on top of each other like that, their faces so close that they’re basically sharing the same air. Max’s fingers comfortingly comb through Tul’s hair while his thoughts drifts off. But not really that far. The other’s words still linger in his mind along with his devastated-looking face and the frown and the vulnerability of it all has the urge to protect him from the world rise in Max’s chest. He’s very well aware that someone like Tul doesn’t need protection like that per se – he’s a grown and muscular man and very capable of protecting himself. And also, he’s never met anyone with such well-thought-out plans for his life. Then again, here he is in Max’s arms, torn about these same plans that he made so long ago, as indecisive as he’s probably never been before and yeah, that’s definitely a problem to lose sleep over. His chest constricts almost painfully when he thinks about how he just wants to comfort him, share the weight with him and _be there_.

He hasn’t realized that he’s turned his head to stare at Tul; only when the latter slightly repositions in order to meet his eye, brows minimally furrowed in confusion before they smooth out, does a thoughtless urge become prominent in the back of his mind. For the fraction of a second, he consciously contemplates whether it’s wise to act on it, but then these thoughts fly out the window the moment Tul languorously closes his eyes. Exhaling softly through his nose, Max leans a little closer, letting his gaze roam over the other’s evenly handsome features, feeling his flat breath fan over his own face, before he closes his eyes as well and presses his lips gently to Tul’s forehead. Then to his temple, his nose and, after carefully lifting Tul’s chin with his index finger and thumb, finally, in the most tender and yet determinate way, to his dry lips.

Both their lips are a little chapped but Max couldn’t care less. He slides his hand from the other’s chin up to gently cup his cheek, thumb caressing over Tul’s cheek bone as he tilts his head the slightest bit more into him, lips unmoving as their contact remains dry. He’s almost brimming over with affection, threatening to burst at the seams from feeling things he can’t quite put his finger on; all he knows is that he wants the other to know. So, when he starts moving his lips against Tul’s it’s a way of coping, of silently imparting exactly that. An unspeakable truth he wouldn’t even know how to wrap up in the right words. How much he cares, how much he doesn’t want him to hurt and just. Everything.

He pulls back momentarily to wet his lips before reattaching them once more and this time, Tul kisses him back, just as softly, as carefully. It’s maybe a minute or two at most, then they simultaneously move back, away from the contact. Yet, as it fades and their breaths mingle once more between them, Max leans his forehead against Tul’s, basking in the intimate warmth of their moment.

“What did you kiss me for?” Tul quietly asks when the moment is about to pass and when Max opens one eye to peek at him he can see that his face looks completely undeterred, relaxed even, with his eyes still shut. He doesn’t look bothered at all and Max senses that he just needs to hear the confirmation out loud. “I… am not too sure,” he begins just as quietly and has to clear his throat before being able to speak on. His hand is still resting against the other’s cheek, thumbing along the soft skin while he can feel the beginning of a stubble against his palm. “I felt like words couldn’t express how much I care for you and don’t want you to be hurting and conflicted right now.”

Tul smiles, but doesn’t say anything in return and Max presses another lingering kiss to his forehead before taking a deep breath, the act of which leading the moment to an end. Tul blinks at him sleepily. “Come on, let’s get ready for bed. I can see that you’re about ready to fall asleep and sleep is a good thing to clear one’s head and all. But I really wanna brush my teeth before that.”

At that, the other snorts, but does slowly pull himself up into an upright position. “You and your weird priorities, seriously,” he scoffs fondly, and moves to jab his forefinger into Max’s chest playfully. The latter catches his hand in between his, though, and intertwines their fingers. “Oral health is important,” he defends himself simply and shrugs.

They go through their nightly routines respectively and finally, after about half an hour, lie in Max’s bed, huddled up to one another with Max’s head on Tul’s shoulder, his left leg and arm draped over the older’s body.

Just when Max is on the verge of drifting off to sleep he almost jolts awake again when Tul quietly speaks up, “the fastest and saddest realization so far has been that you’re even straighter than my male crush in high school.”

As stunned silence ensues and Max goes rigid at the unexpected revelation, Tul nervously clears his throat. “Shit, I mean… I’ve _wanted_ to tell you. Might as well. You should have figured out that I think you to be one of the most, if not the most attractive person to ever walk into my life.” Relaxing again, Max needs a second to process what Tul has just confessed. But then again, he knows Tul doesn’t really pay attention to gender when dating, only to the chemistry. And even to Max, their chemistry has been beyond anything he’s ever experienced with anyone right from the beginning. If he’s being entirely honest, he doesn’t know if there might have been a third possibility as to where they could have taken their relationship. Tul is the only man to have ever made him _curious_. Of what exactly isn’t anything he can simply define, though. Not with how their current relationship is going. He very much likes the way it is right now and it’s hard to think any further beyond that. He also doesn’t really _want_ to indulge his imagination, not sure if he’d end up in a place he’d like. However, there are a few things he’s sure of which he’s never told Tul.

“Is it confession time?” he, therefore, asks and chuckles quietly, feeling how Tul relaxes again as well. “I have a few of these, too.” For a moment, he wonders if he should actually go there, but then he thinks, _fuck it. Might as well_ , as Tul fittingly put it. “Like, when you sometimes look at me with that eye thing you do? I have no idea how you do it but… I’ll just,” he trails off, trying to find the right way to describe what it makes him think, or rather _feel_ , “you just sometimes exude way too much sex-appeal to handle in a straight way without actually feeling super attracted, you know?” While he’s not a hundred percent sure why he’s sharing this in detail it doesn’t make him as shy as it perhaps should have. “Or you pout or smile, and it’s really damn cute and I just wanna take care of you even though you’re older and should be taking care of me. Which,” he takes a deep breath because he’s just blabbed all this at once, “you do perfectly well, so don’t get me wrong. I’m not gonna lie, though; there have been times where I caught myself second-guessing my sexuality because of you.”

And, there it is. “For real?” Tul asks somewhat incredulously and even his being dumbfounded like that doesn’t really make Max shy. After all, he didn’t lie when he told the physician that he can relate to people wanting to _claim_ him as theirs. “I mean,” the older continues after a stunned second, “it’s not like I’d trade our friendship for anything in the world at this point. You’re probably the most important person in my life right now, Maxi. Along with my family. It’s also why I didn’t talk to you about my potential change of plans.”

This kind of makes no sense, Max thinks when Tul justifies his decision to tell him only now. It’s confusing, yet after giving it a moment of contemplation he decides to not grill him on the contradiction but instead trust him on his decision. Max sighs deeply. “Look, Tul, I wouldn’t even be mad if mankind went extinct and we were the only humans surviving. Even if it meant going sexless till my dying day. Therefore,” he heaves another sigh, “you don’t have to justify yourself. Just know that you can tell me anything and I’ll be here listening. I understand just fine.”

“Do you, though?”

Max cranes his head just enough to be able to glare at the older, miffed about the innuendo, and in the dim light of the bedroom he can see Tul shoot him a faintly exhausted glance back. “What do you mean?” Max asks and Tul takes a deep breath, closing his eyes again, then his hand comes up to gently push the other’s head back against his shoulder. “I’m not sure myself,” he offers apologetically after a while and Max forgets he was pissed that while ago and instead uses his position as an excuse to press himself closer, tightening his grip around the other while nuzzling his nose into the collar of his t-shirt. It unsurprisingly smells like Max’s own detergent, yet Tul’s scent is somewhat seeping through. “It’s all still… hm, my head just feels really full, and I have no idea where to even start making a decision. I feel like I’m not understanding myself most of the time.”

“We don’t have to talk and you don’t really have to make up your mind right at this moment, okay? And in the meantime, if you need me to, I’ll be here cuddling the shit out of you all night until you feel better.” As if to emphasize his point in the literal sense of his words, Max wriggles himself impossibly closer, his whole body basically cocooning Tul’s possessively and Tul chuckles as he loosely hugs him back. “Seriously,” strains Tul to articulate, groaning quietly and Max, taking pity, slackens his grip, but stays more on top of the older than shifting back into the position next to him, “why do women dump you? Like, ever.”

The younger huffs into the crook of Tul’s neck, amused. “Ha, last time it was me breaking up, though,” he notes off-handedly. “And you know why. I guess, we’re just never on the same page about what goals we have for a future together.” Tul’s chest vibrates a bit beneath the younger when he hums contemplatively. “Yeah, you did say you wanted kids asap.”

“Not exactly asap anymore as I have other plans now,” Max reminds, “but in the foreseeable future, yes. That’s not even the problem most of the time, though. Do you really want a rerun of me telling you all about the reasons my relationships never really work out and eventually fail? Including all the petty and pitiful details?”

Tul snorts. “Not really, no. Can still remember clearly.”

“See.” Silence stretches over them afterwards. Tul’s hip bone is uncomfortably digging into Max’s abdomen, so he does slide off of him at last, just to snuggle back into his initial position, one leg and arm draped over the other. It’s one of his most favorite places in the world and it doesn’t even matter if it’s him holding Tul or the other way around. It always makes him feel content and safe and like he can (most of the time) switch off the world for a while. His mind is pleasantly at ease and ironically, it’s him wanting to savor it in all its physical and emotional facets that stops him from simply falling asleep.

Apparently, Tul is unable to fall asleep as well, because after some time he murmurs into the half-dark, “is it egoistic of me that I don’t want you to get engaged or your future woman pregnant while I’m gone? Granted I do end up leaving, of course.” His voice sounds unsure.

“Huh?” Puzzled, Max frowns against Tul’s shoulder, waiting for him to elaborate. And a second later he does, “I mean, those are important stages in life. I kinda don’t wanna miss out on any of yours.”

Should this be weird? Because to Max, it isn’t. In fact, he’d love to be there as well when Tul goes through these or similarly important stages in life. “Aw, no, that’s cute actually,” he coos, touched, but quickly catches himself when he hears Tul noisily exhale, as if in regret over admitting his sentiments so openly like that. “But you wouldn’t really miss out. It’s not like three hours are another continent,” Max reasons more seriously. “Also, I wouldn’t really leave you alone and annoy you with video calls aaaall the time.” He pointedly rubs his head into Tul’s shoulder, purposefully shaking his hair into the other’s face until Tul pushes his head away and groans, but Max can actually _hear_ the smile in it. The younger chuckles quietly, but stops. “No, but for real. You wouldn’t feel like you’re missing out, Tul. I can keep you updated on my stool, too, if it calms your irrational fears.”

“On another note, you should know that keeping an eye on your stool can prove to be life-saving. It can tell you so much about your intestinal health.” Max thinks that being a physician just comes naturally to Tul and sometimes it’s low-key annoying. In moments like these, for instance, as he obviously tries to downplay him getting a little too emotional with expressing his feelings. Which, in a way, is funny, too, because it practically never happens, so it stands out. “Pakorn Thanasrivanitchai,” Max instead chides in mock earnest, not wanting to throw him under the bus by making him uncomfortable and calling him out on it. “You do not know how to switch off doctor’s mode, do you? But yes, I’m aware. I might not be as much of a smartypants as you, but I do know a thing or two, too, you know?”

“Not so sure about that, actually,” Tul retorts and teasingly shrugs the shoulder on which Max is resting his head. “Dumb.” The younger pushes himself up, bracing his weight on his elbow to look down at the other. “Dumb what?” Max inquires and lifts an eyebrow. He can’t keep the grin from slowly creeping onto his lips, though. In the dimness, he can make out Tul looking back from one eye, the other scrunched up. “You,” he simplifies and stick his tongue out at the other. Snorting, Max shakes his head at him. “Is that you switching off doctor’s mode? Going from intricate sentences to one-words only?”

“Am tired.” By way of proof, Tul closes his other eye as well, expression relaxing, and just demandingly pats his empty shoulder where Max’s head had been propped up only a moment ago. Rolling his eyes, Max does follow and lies back down, pillowing his head once more onto the other’s strong deltoid. “Fine,” he concedes while trying to find his previously comfortable position. “Sleep, then.”

Max isn’t sure if he’s dozed off already, but Tul’s soft voice once again cuts through the drowsiness. Not enough to wake him back up entirely, just enough to follow him saying, “thank you, Max. You have no idea how much I appreciate you.”

It makes him smile tiredly straightaway, and he turns his head to burrow it into the other’s shirt affectionately. “Might actually have an inkling ‘bout that,” he manages to rasp out, voice already thick with sleep. “Right back at you. Love you, bro. Night.” He feels Tul’s arm tighten its hold around him and he sighs contently into the touch.

“Night. Love you, too, Max,” he thinks he can hear Tul whisper right before he eventually falls asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> hiiii i’m conflicted as to how to end this exactly; therefore, there will be at least two different endings. i say at least, because i have more than two in mind. 🥴🥴🥴 it **is** conflicting.


End file.
